i'm so lazy. i woke up at 12 this morning, did my mask and then went out for lunch. got back at about 2 and here i am addicted to playing hearts and not doing my work. sometimes i can't understand how my mind works. i was so hardworkin the other day when i had to rush to meet my deadline, but upon hearing that my presentation was postponed to monday i just relaxed. i've a feeling i'm gonna keep this pace until sun night and naturally i'm gonna screw it up again. sighs. this is just soo.. ME

my bro is in genting right now for a holiday. he arrived on thurs and he's leaving tmr. the initial plan was for me to drive up to join him on thurs and i'll leave on fri. i cancelled on him when my lecturer asked us to present for the 2nd time on friday, manatau no postponed to mon. i just found out last night, no point for me to go up today because i need to drive down to seremban tmr morning to look at the houses we're gonna stay in for our hospital attachments. this is one thing i'm not lookin forward to, SEREMBAN. next sem my expenditure is gonna kill me, i think i should eat maggi mee 3 times daily. i've to fork out for my gas, toll, pay both sides rent and internet? wow..  *faints*

my apoptosis kit for my research hasn't arrived yet. i'm not surprised that it's delayed because it will be shipped from the uk but it's been 3 weeks! uggh. my research is supposed to end in 2 weeks' time and we haven't even tested on it yet. god. right now we might even change kits, which means a new set of protocols and all. sigh. i hate how unpredictable research is..

i hate how research can be sooo taxing and the next moment u're soo free that u have literally nth to do. of coz when u have no practical work, u're stupposed to be writing ur thesis or preparing for ur presentation. however this doesnt apply to ppl like me, i'll just laze and laze and laze. uggh. to the point i kinda despise myself for being so lazy but yet i don't do anything about it.

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Meet me by the entrance of the tube
We can talk things over little time
But promise me you wont stand by the light

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Please draw the past and be true
Don't say we're okay
Just because I'm here
You hurt me bad but I wont shed a tear

I'm leaving you for the last time baby
You think you're loving,
But you don't love me
And I've been confused
Outta my mind lately
You think you're loving,
But I want to be free, baby
You've hurt me.

When I get to Warwick Avenue
We'll spend an hour but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you answers, now here's the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue
I'll tell baby there we're through

Cause I'm leaving you for the last time baby
You think you're loving,
But you don't love me
And I've been confused
An outta my mind lately
You think you're loving,
But you don't love me
I want to be free, baby
You've hurt me.

All the days spent together
I wish for better,
And I didn't want the train to come
Now it's departed, I'm broken hearted
Seems like we never started
All those days spent together
When I wished for better
And I didn't want the train to come.
No, no.

You think you're loving
But you don't love me
I want to be free, baby
You've hurt me
You don't love me
I want to be free
Baby you've hurt me

damn down man. i got seremban hospital for my hospital attachment next sem, which means i'll be stuck in that bloody ulu stink hole for more than 2 months. i know i shouldn't judge that place, it's prob the best home town to some ppl or the best spot on earth to some. but i seriously can't help it. i feel so damn frustrated now.

most of my friends fromt he same hospital are plannin to rent a house there, i'll prob just follow suit. at the same time, i feel like travellin every day becoz i can't imagine myself living in seremban! sigh. but this decision will be irrational and impulsive, plus its not economical to drive 150km to and fro everyday. my father doesn't own petronas to begin with.

the best option is to stay there and come back to kl every weekend to keep my sanity in check. the best part is my 1st day of attachment is also the first day of the semester which is 1st of dec. i don't have my DEC holidays!! ugggh. 1 week of for christmas, that's it. i think everyone just come down and celebrate in kl la k? it'll be 6 hours drive for me to go back to pg from seremban.

labwork is so unpredictable i tell you. my protocol changes every now and then. so does my test compounds. so does everythng else actually. it all depends on my supervisor's mood. he's a nice guy actually, just that he's super fickle minded. lol. sometimes when we're in a middle of a discussion, he'll just start humming some indian tune. not the kuch kuch hota hai kind, more like those very traditional and whiny indian songs. we can't disturb him then, we have to just let him finish the song or get snapped back to reality. lol

yesterday my friend's mouse managed to escape. we didn't realise until the cleaning lady told us 'adik, ada tikus lari'. my friend had to chase after the mouse outside the lab, lol. then my friend put it back on top of the cage and used a plastic container to cover it. on top of that, he placed something heavy over the container. after some time i saw that the mouse managed to escape from the container but he was still on top of the cage. i told my friends that maybe they should just spare this mouse since it has such great survival instincts. my friend thought that maybe we can let it roam around on the floor in the lab and see what it can do. when she let it down, the mouse came walking towards me. the next thing i knew it crawled up the inner part of my pants. wtf. i started screaming and shaking it off. the whole lab was practically staring at me by then. haha.

i'm getting a 2nd hand vios. my dad's friend knew someone who wants to sell off the car and asked him if he was interested. my dad has always wanted me to get a vios but i told him i didn't want to as it's gonna be quite hard for me to settle the installments when i start working. so i told him that i wanted a myvi instead. since the owner was selling it at a pretty good price, we decided to buy it.

i'll be going back to pg tmr to see jo before she leaves on sunday. can't believe how fast time flies. i spent soo little time with her since i'm in kl most of the time jo, make sure you're free for me on sat kay? can't wait to see you.

apparently i gained weight. sigh. my friend commented that i got fatter and he kept tryin to make me wave at him so that he can see my flabby arms. uggh.

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody,
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put you hand way up high
you will never say bye.
[no no no]
Momma's, daddy's, sister's, brother's,
friends, and cousins.
This is for my people's who lost their
Grandmothers
lift your head up to the sky
cause we will never say bye.

As a child, there were them times
I didn't get it, but you kept me alive
I didn't know
why you didn't show up Sometimes
on Sunday mornings
And I missed you, but what we talked through
All them wrongful things, that are relation brings
You never let me know it, you never let it show it
Caused you loved me
Obviously
And so much more then to say
If you were with me today
face to face.

I never knew I can hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
I wish I can talk to you for a while
Wish your butterfly not to cry
As time goes bye

And im sure You reached a better place
And still I'd give
The world to see your face
Me right here, next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say
Bye, bye-bye..
Bye-bye
Bye-bye Bye- bye Bye-bye
Bye-bye Bye- bye Bye-bye
Bye-bye Bye- bye-bye-bye..

And you never got a chance to see
How good I've done
And you never got to see me
Back at number one
I wish that you was here to celebrate together
I wish that we can spend the holidays together
I remember when you use to tuck me in at night
Or the teddy bear u give me I held so tight
I thought you were so strong,
You make it through whatever
Its so hard to except the fact you gone forever

I never knew I can hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like this
I wish I can talk to you for a while
Wish your butterfly not to cry
As time goes by

And im sure You reached a better place
And I'd still give
The world is in your face
Me right here, Next to you
But it's like you're gone to soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say
Bye, bye-bye..
Bye-bye
Bye-bye Bye- bye Bye-bye
Bye-bye Bye- bye Bye-bye
Bye-bye Bye- bye-bye-bye..

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody,
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put you hand way up high
you will never say bye.
[no no no]
Momma's, daddy's, sister's, brother's,
friends, and cousins.
This is for my people's who lost their
Grandmother's
lift your head up to the sky
cause we will never say bye.

I never knew I can hurt like this
[I never knew it]
And everyday [ everyday I wish that I]
life goes on like this [ I wish, I wish]
I wish I can talk to you for a while
[I wish]
Wish you butterfly not to cry
[I wish]
As time goes by
[as time goes bye]

And im sure you reached a better place..
I'd still give the world to see your face..
and me right here, next to you..
and the hardest thing to do..
is say..
Bye-bye....
its hard to say
Bye bye bye bye bye
So Come on
Somebody sing it with me
wave your hands up high

Cause this is for my peoples that
just lost somebody
This is for everybody
Just lift your head to the sky
Cause we will never say bye-bye

i'm dedicating the song to you. i hope u rest in peace, i know u did. i've never been much of a person who practices strict chinese customs, but what happened this evening was remarkable.

i was on the phone with my mum in the balcony when a moth suddenly flew and landed on my right hand, which was holding the phone. i tried shaking it off and it flew away. as i resumed the conversation, it flew right back on the very same spot again. i tried shaking it off but it wouldn't budge. and it was rather ticklish, so i switched the phone to my left hand and tried flicking my right hand and it took me at least 5 seconds before the moth fell down on the floor. no it didnt die. it just stayed on the floor right next to me. so i went back to talkin to my mum and told her the moth story. i know its no biggie, but how often does an insect cling to u?

not long after that i received an incomin call from a friend that asked me a very startling question, whether i heard about what happened to u. i didnt take him seriously because never in the world would i expect something to happen to u. i told him i'll find out later and i went back talkin to my mum who was still on the line. then 5 mins later, my hsemate came running out and asked me the same bloody hell question. i told my mum about u and she immediately hung up. so i started calling.

i think i called like 20 ppl and 30 ppl called me in the 2hour period where we were desperately trying to confirm whether it's true. initally i was calm, askin questions in a very composed way. after answering more calls and being thrown with questions, and still i cant get to someone that can give me a good answer, i started breakin down. i called ur cuz, and then i tried calling all my friends that might have her current no. i called our ex hsemate, and he didnt have a clue. i tried calling ur ex, but i couldnt get through. i tried calling ppl who were in pg, and askin them if they could go over to ur hse to check. then to one point, i suddenly lost hope even though there's no confirmation. i just felt like i knew u left. i started writing a 6sms long text to u, hoping that u will still be able to read it. in it, there's one line that meant the world to me. and that's for u to know.

actually, had trouble making those calls out to confirm because my incoming calls were hogging my line. ppl called me with hope that i can give them answers, but yet i've none. i even received calls from my freinds and smses from overseas just to check on me. they heard about u, and they called to ask. at the same time, they asked me if i was alright. if i was with u. if i was hurt. they thought that i might have been with u when tragedy struck because we travel back to pg together quite often. i've ppl calling me asking if i need company. i've ppl calling me asking if i had eaten.

in the end i did go out for dinner. i had no appetite but i couldnt bare staying home alone. i felt so empty and aimless. thoughts came flooding into my mind, from when u were a young boy bouncing around in college, to u in the football field, to u being made fun off in friendster, to seeing u a year after we left college (u finally got ur license that time!), to you comin to imu with me, to u moving into the storeroom at our old place, to how we used to double date with both our exes last time, to how we used to make u drunk and put toothpaste on ur face, to how u used to fetch me back to pg, to how u used to call me princess & still do (i still do wear the princess earrings u gave me for my bday, if u havent noticed), to u getting ur new car, to lazing around during our industrial attachment, to u accompanying me emo during my hard times, to me hearing ur stories during ur hard times, to u turning into a hardcore clubber and social smoker (hah! u used to tell me that i'll die from lungs and liver cancer when we still lived together), to the conversation we had right before u go back where i ask u to bring my baby rufus back when u get back, to the last conversation we had when u told me ure comin back and wanted me to help u do ur survey.

i went over to ur new pad twice tonight. ur mum asked me to pack ur fave items back so that i can bring home for her tmr. a few of ur friends joined me, i know u would be happy that they were there. it was so hard packing, how do u define what is important and what isnt? in the end i packed 2 shirts, 2 ties, 2 pairs of pants, a pair of socks, 2 pair of shoes (including ur soccer boots), ping pong bat, a few politics books, a few games, 2 decks of magic cards and ur perfume. when i got home, auntie texted and asked me to get importand documents and ur bank book. so that was the reason behind my 2nd trip. ur hsemate helped me find a folder containing ur certs but i couldnt find ur bank book. i guess it's prob with u in the car. i took ur watch, some cash hidden in some box, ur cap, ur white coat and ur imu tag.

when i came back, i looked thru ur folder page by page and i saw my name in it! lol. no biggie, it was just a newspaper cutting congratulating us for our achievements in hsc from inti. at the last page, i found a receipt for ur insurance policy. i think u pulled some strings from up there to make it appear in the folder, didnt u? when we flipped thru at ur place, we only saw ur certs. nth else. i think this is gonna be a big help for ur parents, at least they dont have to go thru the hassle of calling up the insurance company to find out ur policy.

it was u, wasnt it? sorry if i shook u off to hard, it must have hurt when u fell down on the ground. u didnt move for a bit, i thought u were dead. whatever it is, im glad u came back. at least i know u're gone in peace

when i was young, my parents used to tell me that the moth in my hse was prob my grandma. apparently chinese believes that a moth in a way is a reincarnation of a person after they die. prob not reincarnation, but they do appear in that form for a while. i know i'm a banana but after what happened today, seriously i do believe it.

i remembered a few months ago i told u i felt bad that i was using u, in a way that i always ask u for favours. then u dismissed it, saying that i've always been very nice to u. i felt so touched then, but i didnt tell u. it made me feel soooo small next to u because i do know that i was not always nice to u. when i have my crazy mood swings, ill snap at u. u have a BIG heart.

thanks for everything. i'm gonna miss u loads. i can't believe i wont have a chance to sit in ur car and mess with the seat. changing channels and cds every minute. contaminate ur car with my smoking. or even hearing my dad askin u to drive safely but not slowly. 'don't fly boy, but dont drive too slow either, if not u will cause accidents'. u're the only one besides my bfs that geta big fat angpau on cny u know.

bye cien yang. u're in a better place up there, bouncing around on the clouds already. take care of urself, be an angel k?