i'm dedicating the song to you. i hope u rest in peace, i know u did. i've never been much of a person who practices strict chinese customs, but what happened this evening was remarkable.
i was on the phone with my mum in the balcony when a moth suddenly flew and landed on my right hand, which was holding the phone. i tried shaking it off and it flew away. as i resumed the conversation, it flew right back on the very same spot again. i tried shaking it off but it wouldn't budge. and it was rather ticklish, so i switched the phone to my left hand and tried flicking my right hand and it took me at least 5 seconds before the moth fell down on the floor. no it didnt die. it just stayed on the floor right next to me. so i went back to talkin to my mum and told her the moth story. i know its no biggie, but how often does an insect cling to u?
not long after that i received an incomin call from a friend that asked me a very startling question, whether i heard about what happened to u. i didnt take him seriously because never in the world would i expect something to happen to u. i told him i'll find out later and i went back talkin to my mum who was still on the line. then 5 mins later, my hsemate came running out and asked me the same bloody hell question. i told my mum about u and she immediately hung up. so i started calling.
i think i called like 20 ppl and 30 ppl called me in the 2hour period where we were desperately trying to confirm whether it's true. initally i was calm, askin questions in a very composed way. after answering more calls and being thrown with questions, and still i cant get to someone that can give me a good answer, i started breakin down. i called ur cuz, and then i tried calling all my friends that might have her current no. i called our ex hsemate, and he didnt have a clue. i tried calling ur ex, but i couldnt get through. i tried calling ppl who were in pg, and askin them if they could go over to ur hse to check. then to one point, i suddenly lost hope even though there's no confirmation. i just felt like i knew u left. i started writing a 6sms long text to u, hoping that u will still be able to read it. in it, there's one line that meant the world to me. and that's for u to know. 
actually, had trouble making those calls out to confirm because my incoming calls were hogging my line. ppl called me with hope that i can give them answers, but yet i've none. i even received calls from my freinds and smses from overseas just to check on me. they heard about u, and they called to ask. at the same time, they asked me if i was alright. if i was with u. if i was hurt. they thought that i might have been with u when tragedy struck because we travel back to pg together quite often. i've ppl calling me asking if i need company. i've ppl calling me asking if i had eaten.
in the end i did go out for dinner. i had no appetite but i couldnt bare staying home alone. i felt so empty and aimless. thoughts came flooding into my mind, from when u were a young boy bouncing around in college, to u in the football field, to u being made fun off in friendster, to seeing u a year after we left college (u finally got ur license that time!), to you comin to imu with me, to u moving into the storeroom at our old place, to how we used to double date with both our exes last time, to how we used to make u drunk and put toothpaste on ur face, to how u used to fetch me back to pg, to how u used to call me princess & still do (i still do wear the princess earrings u gave me for my bday, if u havent noticed), to u getting ur new car, to lazing around during our industrial attachment, to u accompanying me emo during my hard times, to me hearing ur stories during ur hard times, to u turning into a hardcore clubber and social smoker (hah! u used to tell me that i'll die from lungs and liver cancer when we still lived together), to the conversation we had right before u go back where i ask u to bring my baby rufus back when u get back, to the last conversation we had when u told me ure comin back and wanted me to help u do ur survey.
i went over to ur new pad twice tonight. ur mum asked me to pack ur fave items back so that i can bring home for her tmr. a few of ur friends joined me, i know u would be happy that they were there. it was so hard packing, how do u define what is important and what isnt? in the end i packed 2 shirts, 2 ties, 2 pairs of pants, a pair of socks, 2 pair of shoes (including ur soccer boots), ping pong bat, a few politics books, a few games, 2 decks of magic cards and ur perfume. when i got home, auntie texted and asked me to get importand documents and ur bank book. so that was the reason behind my 2nd trip. ur hsemate helped me find a folder containing ur certs but i couldnt find ur bank book. i guess it's prob with u in the car. i took ur watch, some cash hidden in some box, ur cap, ur white coat and ur imu tag.
when i came back, i looked thru ur folder page by page and i saw my name in it! lol. no biggie, it was just a newspaper cutting congratulating us for our achievements in hsc from inti. at the last page, i found a receipt for ur insurance policy. i think u pulled some strings from up there to make it appear in the folder, didnt u? when we flipped thru at ur place, we only saw ur certs. nth else. i think this is gonna be a big help for ur parents, at least they dont have to go thru the hassle of calling up the insurance company to find out ur policy.
it was u, wasnt it? sorry if i shook u off to hard, it must have hurt when u fell down on the ground. u didnt move for a bit, i thought u were dead. whatever it is, im glad u came back. at least i know u're gone in peace 
when i was young, my parents used to tell me that the moth in my hse was prob my grandma. apparently chinese believes that a moth in a way is a reincarnation of a person after they die. prob not reincarnation, but they do appear in that form for a while. i know i'm a banana but after what happened today, seriously i do believe it.
i remembered a few months ago i told u i felt bad that i was using u, in a way that i always ask u for favours. then u dismissed it, saying that i've always been very nice to u. i felt so touched then, but i didnt tell u. it made me feel soooo small next to u because i do know that i was not always nice to u. when i have my crazy mood swings, ill snap at u. u have a BIG heart.
thanks for everything. i'm gonna miss u loads. i can't believe i wont have a chance to sit in ur car and mess with the seat. changing channels and cds every minute. contaminate ur car with my smoking. or even hearing my dad askin u to drive safely but not slowly. 'don't fly boy, but dont drive too slow either, if not u will cause accidents'. u're the only one besides my bfs that geta big fat angpau on cny u know.
bye cien yang. u're in a better place up there, bouncing around on the clouds already. take care of urself, be an angel k?
Currently listening to: bye, bye
Currently feeling: mournful
